Families hire me not only to help the student with the transition from high school to college, but to bring a little peace into the family dynamic. I’m an independent educational consultant (an IEC) dealing specifically with colleges, so you might call me a college adviser or college counselor. Parents thank me for making junior and senior year more enjoyable.

If you don’t have an IEC to take the strain off your relationship with your college-bound teenager, you may worry that your child isn’t getting things done in a timely manner. Your sincere efforts to motivate might translate in your child’s mind to plain old nagging. How can you calmly support your child throughout the college application process without pressuring them or sounding judgmental?

Rule #1: Be available, not intrusive.

Make it clear that you are available to discuss college planning, but that your child is in the driver’s seat. Kristina Dooley, a Certified Educational Planner in Ohio and founder of Estrela, says that although parents should let the child drive, parents can sit in the front seat. Be there, but don’t grab the wheel.

DON’T arrange college visits yourself and tell your child, “We’re going.”

DO give them a range of dates when you can go on college visits locally or afar, but let your child pick the schools and plan the visits. (I’m a fan of the $15 Hedberg U.S. College and University Reference Map to help with planning.)

DON’T tell your student what you think they should major in. Instead, ask them what classes they like and what they like about those classes, and practice reflective listening, summarizing what you hear them say.

DO ask neutral questions and listen for answers. For example, “What region of the country appeals to you?” is more neutral than “How’s that college search coming?”

Rule #2: Banish “we” from your college talk.

This is not your process. “We” aren’t applying to college; your child is.

DON’T ask friends your age about what a school was like when they were there 20 years ago. And don’t ask the moms on Facebook.

DO realize that schools change over the years. You may remember that Happy U. was a party school in your day, but that may not be the case today. Some of the colleges that were “safety” schools when you went to college no longer admit the majority of applicants.

Rule #3: Reconsider your idea of success.

DON’T convey to your student that they can only be successful if they get into one of the uber-selective, highly rejective schools that are getting all the attention.

DO consider redefining success as landing at a college where your child can be happy and thrive. There are about 3,000 colleges and universities granting bachelor’s degrees in the U.S., and the “top 25” (ever look at the methodology for those rankings?) don’t have a lock on a good education or strong alumni networks.

Rule #4: Keep the college talk to once a week.

DON’T ambush your child morning, noon, and night with “How’s the college stuff coming along?”

DO schedule a weekly date and time to discuss colleges and the application process.

Rule #5: Assure your child that you love them and believe in them.

DON’T let your anxiety about college bleed into your relationship with your child. This can make your child feel that they need to “get into a good school” in order to please you or not disappoint you.

DO say, “I love you and I want you to be happy.” Validate your child’s self-worth and emphasize that your love is not contingent upon getting into the “right” school.

Following these simple rules should help make the college journey more enjoyable for all involved.

What if my child is a senior and hasn’t done anything about applying to college?

If you’ve offered to take them to tour colleges, if you’ve agreed to discuss college only at an appointed time each week, and if they’ve told you they don’t even want to think about college, then it’s time to back off and let the natural consequences take over. Assuming you don’t want them playing videogames all day in the basement once they’ve graduated high school, set a boundary. Tell them that come fall, they will need to a) enroll full-time at the community college, b) work, c) volunteer, or d) do some combination of the above that’s the equivalent of “full time.” Let them know you’re available. Then do nothing (the hardest part).

Realize also that some students benefit from a gap year or alternate route, such as learning a trade through school or apprenticeships.

Many thanks to Kristina Dooley, Brennan Barnard, and Rick Clark for their writings and podcasts on the role of parents around the college application process.

If you would like help with your child’s transition from high school to college, contact me at khott@twobridgescc.com.